Mummy's First Blog

Dear Oscar, 

Since the moment I became pregnant,  I also became full of questions. "Should my stomach feel like this? Is that his head or his bum? Will he be early? Is it normal not to have pooped in a week?".  Then you came along and my questions got more urgent. "Why is he making that noise? Should I take him to the doctor? Is he feeding enough? Oh god! Why is his poop green?! WHY WON'T HE SLEEP?!".

I also find myself asking your nanna and grandad if they can remember when I started walking/smiling/laughing/talking and can't help feeling disappointed when they can't remember every last detail. Your grandad pointed out in frustration that it has been twenty years since he had a newborn and he can't remember what happened a week ago.

Now you have hit the teething stage. You seem grumpy and unsettled, covered in dribble and I spend a lot of my time allowing you to chew on my hands and worrying that you may be developing an addiction to Calpol. Some days I feel overwhelmed, like I have bitten off more than I can chew and whether breastfeeding really is the right decision when I'm struggling not to stay upright at 3am (and at 4am, 5am, 6am...). And then I read back through my phone, look at my messages, my photos and Facebook and I remember the newborn days.

I remember one night where you were going through a growth spurt and I finally got you down to sleep at 6am and then your siblings woke up... no sleep for mummy that night! That night felt like the end of the world to me. I was tearful, sleep deprived, angry and frustrated. But reading the emotional messages exchanged between myself and your auntie Hannah the next day made me realise just how far we both have come.

You may still be up five times during the night but crucially, you will now sleep in your cot and not just my arms. You may squirm and grumble when I'm feeding you because you are over tired but you will now feed for less than an hour without nodding off . You may get mad when you can't stand up on your own yet (side note: you are four months old! Of course you can't walk or leap like a gazelle yet, you're a teeny baby!) but you can hold your head up, grab things, support your weight on your legs, play, chuckle and smile.

So as you can see my son. We have come so far and we have a lifetime of adventure ahead of us.

I thought I would write this blog to document our struggles and achievements, our tears and laughter and for one day, where you perhaps have a child of your own and you ask "Mum, is their poop meant to be green? Was mine ever green?!" we can look back and see. (Yes and yes by the  way.)

So, my dear Oscar, this is hopefully the first blog of many. Here's to the future.

I love you,

Mummy. 

xxxx